To Keep Your Balance You Must Keep Moving
I was living in this strangely dark, yet beautifully posthumous reality for so long, living my life in a way that reflected that a huge piece of who I was had died, and I was living the after effects of that death, dragging on and on, and that I no longer needed to learn anything new, that I didn’t need to connect to “God” and I was obnoxiously bohemian. I smoke and I drank and I had zero cares in the world and I let everyone know it. I could love you so easily with everything I had and I could leave you just as fast and take it all away. Just. Like. That.
I was perfectly fine by myself and I didn’t want anyone in my face about anything. I dated the “bad boys”, I got demolished emotionally by said bad boys. I picked friends who were dangerous and unhealthy in every way imaginable. I had some great friends that I am very grateful for because I can see now that they were put there for me to guide me through the craziness. I probably should have died a few times. For the most part, I didn’t need anything from anyone and I wasn’t about to take a hand out, no matter how pretty the package. Pretty closed-minded, huh? Let me tell you what that closed-mindedness got me: about two decades of uncertainty, anxiety and stress from having to do it all on my own, a marriage I should have never been a part of with a person who didn’t love me or care for me properly, extended family who I didn’t have an impact on in almost two decades. I made it impossible for my immediate family to love me because I was angry at them and stayed angry at them, feeling justified in my bad behaviour and proud of my ability to put them in their place. My art work was stuck, my acting work was stuck, I wasn’t healthy and I was trapped, and it was all my own doing. I see that now. I also see that every single thing that has happened to me has happened because it was meant to happen that way. I probably could have propelled myself in one direction or other if I would have paid close attention to what the universe was presenting me with, and learning the lessons I was meant to learn early on instead of going through the same crap over and over and over again until I got it. Oprah once said something loosely translated about learning lessons:
the Universe knocks you on the head with the thing that you’re supposed to learn, then it shoves you a little, then it tosses you around, and finally when all else fails and you’re too exhausted to keep fighting back, you surrender. And if you don’t, well it could be fatal because the universe will find a way to get you to realize that lesson and it will keep showing up over and over again until you get it. Some may never get it, but some will. And there is freedom in that.
That’s what I remember from watching her that day, that’s the message I received. And now, at this age in my life, I believe that I was supposed to hear that, but it was during my closed-mindedness years and I had no bloody idea what she meant. But I still agreed with her. How ridiculous is that?
So, I have a new rule. I have moved into this next phase of my life with open arms. I have forgiven myself, I have forgiven all who have hurt me (some took longer than others). I accept what I am put on this earth to do, and now the real work begins. After all my work toward my BA in psychology and my coaching certification on the horizon, I have propelled myself into some pretty cool stuff and am finally living the life that I want to live, but I’m just at the starting line. It took me a long time to get here but I’m here!
I want to do something to move myself forward every three months of my life so that I not only have something to look forward to, but I also am constantly challenging myself and pushing myself far out of my comfort zone as much as possible. 2018 has been a year of serious growth and reflection for me, and I want you to consider what the next six months of your life will hold for you. Will you stay the same? Will you continue to do things the same way? Will you keep on with old habits that keep you grounded in the way things are? Or will you introduce something new to your business and your personal life that will move you forward inch by inch or propel you into a whole new dimension of your existence? It’s entirely up to you.
What are you willing to sacrifice for that and how hard are you willing to push yourself? The only difference between you and someone who has what you want is the ability to ground yourself in how healthy that jump would be for you and whether or not you’re going to be able to motivate yourself and push through the fear and the resistance that will inevitably come. I double dog dare you to find something crazy to accomplish: the kind of thing that would make someone laugh…and then I want you to draft out what steps it would take to do it, and then go and get it done.
I want to know that at the end of my numbered days on this planet in this body, I can look back and say that I really lived. And I don’t mean that I will just look for things to do so that I can say that I did them. I want to get in deep with people, learn so many things that make this world go round, push myself as far as I can, really feel all the feels. I would love this for you, and I would love to do this alongside you! If you would love to share with me what this is, it would seriously make my day. xo