From Breakdown to Break Through
I have said that living as the false self and deeply immersed in the world of separation and limitation, I unknowingly wore a protective mask of arrogance to hide my deep fear of being invisible and of no value to the world or anyone.
I have also explained that this emanated from my relationship with my parents, particularly my mother and that throughout my life I unconsciously attempted to get the conditioning my mother represented to see me so that I would feel safe and loved, the Natural feeling you experience when you Know Who You Really Are.
Everything I did was tainted by this longing and manifested in many ways, predominately through multiple relationships with women. If a woman showed even the slightest interest in me I clung to that attention like it was oxygen to a drowning man.
To control these obsessive feelings of being noticed, again unconsciously, I needed to somehow tie-down the experiences and marriage was the way the false self chose to do this. As a result I was engaged twice without marriage, married four times and had two common-law marriages as well only because I was not yet divorced. I also talked marriage with a number of other women who just looked sideways at me and never did I question this behaviour nor did I see myself as dysfunctional.
This may be of some value to you if you are ever seeing yourself as a little slow in shifting from the false self to the Truth.
Your false self can be incredibly clueless where its deep conditioning is concerned with virtually everyone noticing something is a little crazy but you. Some people might even try to be helpful in their own way and say something like,
“But you took the plunge several times … maybe you should have a look at why you keep doing that!”
And for some time, in my case a very long time, your response might be,
“Hunh, what do you mean?”
I jumped from relationship to relationship, sometimes juggling several in an attempt to control my life and smother my immense fear of invisibility to somehow make it conform to my neediness to be seen. And within each relationship there was absolutely no intimacy at all … the masks I used to appear above my unworthiness and my deep fear of abandonment had me running in circles in an attempt to keep my personal value safe and protected.
To be intimate with anyone, with life It Self you must be vulnerable which represents an extreme form of weakness to the false self. In Truth vulnerability is the essence of power since it declares openly, ‘I have nothing to hide because … of myself I am nothing … no – thing.’ Without intimacy it is impossible to experience True Joy because in Joy you are authentic, and transparent, not afraid of exposing anything because you are not attached to anything or any special identity.
I carried this same tendency into my work in an attempt to control my many agendas, needing to know where everything stood and how everyone was thinking and acting … just in case something might fall apart. I hardly had time to breath, in fact I was a very shallow breather for many years and remember often hyperventilating when involved in many intense business activities where I was desperately trying to handle results and bring about certain outcomes.
It is irrelevant that I did eventually so called succeed in business because I was swimming in a swamp of misery every moment until finally I had had enough.
When you have had enough, when you have finally reached the stage of saying I choose Freedom NO MATTER WHAT, the mirrors will show up that you pay attention to.
Excerpt from YOU ARE GOD – by John McIntosh